OK. The latest round of SPAM emails included yet another plea for me to increase the volume of my sperm. Why? Honestly, does it matter how much comes out? Does it “make me more of a man” to get an extra tablespoon? Girls, does the amount of sperm really matter? Is it more satisfying to have a guy with more sperm? Honestly, who cares? It’s not like it’s a cancer cure. If it was, I’d want to bottle it and sell it. THEN and only then would any increase in volume matter. That extra productivity would bring me more money … sounds like a new SPAM angle if you ask me. Has anyone bought this stuff? Does it work? Why did you buy it? Did it impress your “woman”? What about gay guys? Will it work for them? My SPAM just mentions impressing and satisfying my “woman”.
My “receding hair line” has caught the attention of the SPAMers as well. I had not noticed it was receding. They even noticed there was hair in the drain of my shower. How did they know? What I don’t think they know is that I don’t have long hair. All those hairs probably belong to my wife and my daughters … unless my hair grows after it falls out. Nope, not mine. My hair doesn’t fall out unless it gets pulled out. But wait a sec it is possible for me to be going bald, I figured with both my grandfathers being bald and my dad having thinned out on top by the time he was 40 that I would be in the same boat. Thinning or bald. Well I’m not. Maybe that SPAM was delivered to the wrong in-box.
The SPAM email that is most appealing this week is the weight loss one. Well it’s not really just weight loss. Are you aware that I have seven days of food in my digestive tract and that it is sitting there making me look bloated and not feeling well. By taking their special proprietary herbal and vitamin mix along with their high fiber supplement I can increase the volume, length and size of my bowel movements! Huh? Who’s that going to impress? The plumber that has to come snake out my toilets is the only one I can think of. This email said that by cleaning out my intestinal tract and flushing out all the rotting undigested foods in the intestines I will 1)get well, 2)loose weight and 3)feel energized. I will be able to have 2 or 3 FULL bowel movements a day! Geeze I thought they were already full. I never realized my bowel movements have been partials until today. I guess my oatmeal and other high fiber foods aren’t enough. Come on, you have to trust a guy named Klee Irwin! I figured you should know not to buy his product. The Infomercial Watch folks have a great page on this product here.
Oh yeah … if I act now and get in on buying the stocks of this one little company that has figured out how to pump all the oil out of the shale fields in Colorado (and I forget the other state) I could become the next oil tycoon .. that means I could rub elbows with that Bushwhacker fella in Washington and his “mo money” oil baron friends! I think I have a few pennies to my name that I could invest with!